DEAR DIARY : WTF

10 Jul

Sometimes, I feel so confused. And I don’t know what to do. Or who to even turn to for help.

Friends; especially when I thought they are friends. And then I realize they are crazy psychopaths. Well ONE at least.

My life always have been nothing, but CRAZY.

I think I am meant to NOT have a “normal” life.

Good friends say I am too nice. AND being too nice; ends up in shit.

SO the story goes..

I was done with my GED course and finished enrolling in school. And my friend Ken was telling me that he needs help with work at his house and even has a friend who needs help at his bud clinic.

As all of you know..I haven’t been working. NO WORK = NO MONEY; which means I’m broke.

In CA, there’s so many ways for me to make money. Whether it’s in entertainment, porn, stripping, normal job whatever…I can still make money.

I am residing in Mississippi, I think I left my confidence in California. I put myself into a little shell.

So I mapped out my whole year. I will go to CA, work at my friend’s house, and my friend’s friend’s shop. Even before I booked my ticket, I made sure, HE MADE SURE, that I was going to be working.

I should of made like 4k a month. And with that money I was going to launch my website, have money for Adultcon. And Adultcon is a really good show for me. I can make enough money to fund my next show, which was suppose to be Dubshow in Miami.

Everything was going as planned. So for sure I am going to CA to make money to make more money. Yeeeeeeeeee.

So when I get there, there was like NO WORK.

Is it a fukkin SURPRISE? NO??? NOT REALLY.

I guess Ken’s friend, Nicky doesn’t like the fact I was a pornstar. BUT I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM MS for this foo to tell me this?????? He made up any excuse in the world to make it as if I am not qualified to be a budtender. And Ken acts like he has so much pull in the world.

I guess Nicky has a controlling girlfriend. And so he doesn’t want to look like a bitch he said, “Yeah, I think I want someone hotter and cuter.”

REALLY??? I never got my feelings indirectly hurt before. Anyways, I am not that sensitive. I’M OVER IT.

OH and HE SAID, “NAW MAN, what if she wanted to take someone in the back to make a porno real quick.”

REALLY DAWG???? It’s getting more pathetic.

Anyways so Ken would try to make it up to me. I was fukkin pissed off. I should of came home. But I didn’t want to go home…I am having problems with Michael.

He is always out with his friends. And then ignores my calls. And it even came to a point where I locked him out of all his emails, and Twitter. I even blocked people on his Twitter. CRAZY???? YEAH I KNOW. WTF has gotten into ME???

About Michael, he is a people pleaser. DO ANYTHING, SAY ANYTHING to please EVERYONE ELSE. He does this to get you, and once he has you, he forgets how to keep you…but that’s another story.

So anyways Ken feels so bad..that he will take care of things preparing for AdultCon and my website.

He takes me out because he knows I’m broke. And I feel like I became really close friends with him.

Let me describe Ken for you. He’s weird. He smokes alot. He is actually more tolerable when he smokes. He likes to show off and have things or “know people” to impress you. He is not tall. He is very fat. He loves hockey and glow in the dark shoes.

And I am just trying to be nice to him. He is really weird. He has like no friends. And the only friends he has are people that know he is beneficial to them. WAIT did I make any sense?

Basically the friends he has are people that know he is a benefit to them. He offer whatever he can to people, and people think he’s “cool.” But in reality he is actually a creepy stalker type. And would try to seem cool.

I am hanging out with him, cooking for him, trying to make him work out. Trying to build his self esteem. Trying to be a friend to him..because I kinda feel sorry for him.

Anyways, I was fighting with Michael ALOT. And my boobs hurt. I even thought I had a lump. I was getting fatter so I worked out harder. I was drinking here and there. And I was always sleeping. I smoked alot. MOST OF ALL I WAS SOOOOO STRESSED OUT.

I have been bleeding light for a few days now. And I getting these really hard cramps. It must be nothing.

We were at Lowend Theory SF; for DSTYLES and QBERT 10 year Anniversary performance. And I ran into ZO! I haven’t seen Zo in like foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And I am so proud of him he’s like blowing up!!!! So we end up talking like the whole night. I met him when I was 19 at Lowend…lol he’s like my age. I can tell something was bothering Ken. And I wasn’t sure what was wrong, it was just really weird.

By the end of the night, I wasn’t talking to Zo or my bf/xbf. I put a pillow between me and Ken, and I was texting someone else.

My cramps are getting worse and worse. And when I went to get another tampon, a big thing came out of me. It was so big I heard a splash.

NO…………..*heartbroken*

I was in tears and I was crying. Michael begged me to go to the hospital, and I just couldn’t go. I don’t know what to do. Or who to ask for help. My mom was in Vietnam with her lesbian at the time. I am scared. I had never been pregnant before. Or miscarried.

My hormones racing. I am so sad. I am so heartbroken. I hated myself, for not taking care of my body or even the fetus inside me. I had no clue. I didn’t even realized I missed a month from my period.

It was a really sad thing…I wished I never came back to CA, I would still have the baby right now.

I finally went to the hospital, the next day after the fetus came out. It took ten whole days for the miscarriage to happen. It was sooooo sad. Ken took to me the hospital, he was my only ride.

Anyways….I eventually got over the miscarriage..I guess my hormones where back to normal. And was going to EDC.

I am excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was sooooooo dramatic. By the time I got there I wish I wasn’t with Ken. He was always following me around and I wanted him to go with his friends. Ken doesn’t even like the music I like which is house. I just wanted to be with friends. New friends or old friends. SIGH but hes like a puppy dog just following me around and shit. So I just ended up rolling with him.

And everyone who has ever rolled with me KNOWS, x does not make me HORNYYYYYYYYYYYYY. EVER.

I actually make boys cry.

A few days later, when I was coming down I ended up going off on Ken’s friends. Because they sent pictures of me sucking cock to Ken’s phone while I was in the hospital. And I told Ken that I am leaving back to Michael.

And Ken was like crying that he likes me…I am like WTF, I don’t like you!!!

He fukkin cried, thinking like I would like him or feel sorry for him because he cried. I DON’T CAREEEEEEEEEE.

He is such a dick, so now I am thinking this whole time he was doing shit for me bc he wanted to be with me and impress me.

It freaked me out because he said I was putting my foot on his cock…WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. NO I DIDN’T DUDE.

I have been molested and harassed many times, but he really put me in a fukked up sitaution and I just wanted to go HOME.

He said that we went through the miscarriage together…NO WE DIDN’T GO THROUGH SHIT TOGETHER!!!! you just took me to the hospital and that’s it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a fukkin weirdo…and now everything that was weird all makes sense now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everytime I am out with friends, he’s like he can’t sleep. Implying because I wasn’t there.

ITS SOOOOOOO CREEPYYYYY and I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I talk to Michael EVERYDAY and I tell him I LOVE him EVERYDAY. I don’t know what the fuck makes you think I LIKE YOU. NO ASSHOLE.

And he talks shit about his friends and say that all they do is use him, as an excuse to cling on to me and shit. THIS GUY FUKKIN NEEDS HELP………………………………………………………..He begged me to stay because of his own guilty conscience. NO MUTHAFUKKER LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!

And now I am back in Mississippi.

ANOTHER CREEPY STORY:

Michael’s uncle gave him a laptop that one of the guys from the office was using….AND I was on the computer, and it said ASHLYNN BROOKE video file thingy…so I clicked on it and it wasn’t there…And we looked at the list of frequently viewed…and a BUNCH of KYANNA LEE VIDEOS where there SMH.

Michael said, “WTF, why is there a bunch of your videos on here..”

0.o

FUCK MY LIFE.

KYANNA.

5 Responses to “DEAR DIARY : WTF”

  1. mastergio July 10, 2011 at 3:36 pm #

    I’m so bummed out to hear all the crazy shit you been going through. 😦 Honest to God, I hope things turn around for you. You have long been one of the nicest girls I talk to in the biz. Taker care and stay strong!

  2. misterjaykay July 10, 2011 at 6:08 pm #

    Damn how do u go thru all that n stay positive? Hope it all gets better soon cuz that’s alot of stuff goin on

  3. soren July 11, 2011 at 7:07 pm #

    bitch I don’t.even know u.but u sound like the weirdo and I just checked your porn and ur not even fine…and who are you to say someone’s weird when you do porn…how u gonna say love someone when u suck Dick for a living…and third by u putting him and your business you look like your a fucked up in the head if u just had a miss carriage and u leave missippi to go to Vegas for edc….your lame bitch don’t come back to LA unless u ready to get tossed up cause bub has real friends that give a fuck when u try and play fools out….oh yeah I saw your outfit for edc and that shit was fuckn wack u looked like a 12 yr old girl I thought it was 18 and up….get real bitch

  4. Leslie July 13, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

    I am sad to hear what has happened to you but such is life and you seem resillent enough to recover from this, you may feel ok right now but therapy does wonders. Maybe some reflection is needed, but i won’t say more. I’m not completely sympathetic to this but I will not judge. God bless.

  5. bill england July 14, 2011 at 1:11 am #

    Very touching, Kyanna! Welcome to my life. Im always considered the “nice guy” also. Kinda sux! I just stay true to myself, and say “fukk everyone who dont accept me for who I am!” PLEASE hang in there! The world NEEDS people like us! Btw, youve been on my Twitter list for ages! I enjoy reading your posts, and TRY to catch your stickams when i can. Youre a VERY beautiful woman! And I know you hear that all the time. Just my observation. 🙂

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